Thoughts
All about me, times of happiness and times of sadness...
Not perfect but much better
I opened my own account on Facebook and put some not-really-good pictures of me to my album. He told me to change them cos he doesn't feel comfortable seeing them on the net where everyone can see. That's funny, cos it seems that he likes to watch this kind of photos of strange woman but not of me. Ha! I knew he won't like them:) He said that's a big diffrence cos I'm his girlfiend. Oh, yeah, it doesn't feel right, does it? So he got another lesson how I feel when he does something what is not right when you're in a relationship. I see that it's the best way to teach him cos it seems that my words don't work on him. Or maybe I just think like that. Anyway all I see is that he really tries to make things working and I feel guilty after I don't trust him in some situations. But to be honest he deserved for not trusting him and even if it was a year ago - still hurts badly... I'm not that affraid he'll cheat on me behind my back but I'm affraid he'll meet someone more special, nicer, prettier than me and he'll fall in love. I'm just scared of losing him cos he and kids are the sense of my life. I have nothing else to care about. Nothing worked in my live before so I'm just affraid this time will be the same. I know that behaving like this, making him paying for what he did a year ago doesn't help and it really turns him off and I really hate when I do that but just can't help it. I try but sometimes it doesn't work when memories come back. I think he even doesn't realize how much he hurt me that day and why it touched me that much. And why? Cos I expect from this relationship something more I got before, cos this relationship is special and finally cos this relationship is the last one I gave a chance...
I feel so bad that just wanna scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd like to be enough strong to escape from this relationship. Fuck! I can say over and over that I don't love him but I do! Fuck, fuck, fuck! And I know he loves me too but he can't have me and the others at the same time. If he was so bad all the time it would be easier but being with him makes me happy in some strange way. Cannot explain what is it, but I feel very comfortable in his arms. The one thing that is destroying this relatioship is his obsessive interest in women and nothing I say doesn't change that. I'm so so so tired... Or I have to accept him like he is or have to find the one that I'll be the one for him too.
Ups and downs
Yeah, I haven't been here for ages! It only means that nothing changed. We sill have our ups and downs, like every relationship, but every healthy relationship has more ups while we have more downs... We were quite well recently and I thought that something changed but wasn't sure what: if he stopped with all that shit or I just stopped to care about it? Sometimes it seems that he understood something, sometimes he becomes even sweet and lovely like before, just after I met him, but sometimes is moody idiot like was recently. I still do my job: cook, wash, clean up, get up at 4 am to prepare his breakfast and lunch-box and sometimes we even look like normal happy family. But I feel that I changed myself inside, I don't have those strong feelings I had for him, I love him of course but it's not the same anymore, I still enjoy sex but don't want it so much like I used to, I don't look at him dreaming about the day he'll marry me - all these really scares me! It looks like the beginning of the end cos I went through this once. Anyway, he's been working very hard to make me feeling like this. I don't really feel comfortable with this guy and I don't like it. I always wanted to be with a man that will love me the most and I'll be perfect woman for him and I'll see his love in every step he takes. It's really sad... Maybe one day I'll meet someone like that, who knows...
Why does it hurt so much?!!!
I have so many thoughts in my mind that really don't know what to write... I can't stand his presence here cos it causes unbearable pain. What he's doing is intolerable. Those words he said to his friend were the last nail in the coffin. He doesn't realize what he's done and how much he hurt me telling the strange girl that he's unhappy with me. I've done everything I could to make him happy so if he say's he isn't it means that there's no more hope for this relationship. Now he has to take care of himself cos I won't be for him anymore. Maybe one day he'll realize what he's done, but I don't think so. It's not this type of man. People say that love is blind so it means that I don't love him cos I can see.
Will it ever finish?!
We keep arguing all the time. From one side I want to keep this relationship and from the other I'm asking myself - what for?! I've never been so unahppy, have never felt like this. After I finished with my husband I promised myself that I won't let anyone to hurt me again. Now I think that what my husband did to me was nothing cos at least I didn't care about him that much. He was hurting my body but believe me - hurt feelings are worst! I'm not the same person anymore and probably won't be. Something died inside of me. I have no idea what I'm gonna do now but I have two kids I'm responsible for so have to live for them. I have to ferget this guy...
We had quite nice Friday but yesterday night he started chattin with one of his friends. I wasn't upset that he's chattong, just a little bit ennoyed cos it was very late (1 a.m)and I don't think it was a time for chatting, especially that we have PC in the bedroom so I couldn't sleep). I wanted to go to sleep in the living-room but passing next to him I saw the last message he received from that girl - were u a bad boy? What the fuck was that?! He keeps doing this shit all the time and cannot have a normal conversation with anyone! Then he told her that I'm upset cos he's chatting with her, that I caught him with Luana, that I wanna have more babies so I can have more benefits and it's cos I'm fucking polish! I won't forgive him that... He keeps calling me names like: slut, sleezy bitch etc. He becames more cruel every single time and quite violet too. I really dind't know him I guess. But I don't care anymore. He's dead for me. I'll take some time for my grief and then I'll try to forget and start living again. Without any man...
We had quite nice Friday but yesterday night he started chattin with one of his friends. I wasn't upset that he's chattong, just a little bit ennoyed cos it was very late (1 a.m)and I don't think it was a time for chatting, especially that we have PC in the bedroom so I couldn't sleep). I wanted to go to sleep in the living-room but passing next to him I saw the last message he received from that girl - were u a bad boy? What the fuck was that?! He keeps doing this shit all the time and cannot have a normal conversation with anyone! Then he told her that I'm upset cos he's chatting with her, that I caught him with Luana, that I wanna have more babies so I can have more benefits and it's cos I'm fucking polish! I won't forgive him that... He keeps calling me names like: slut, sleezy bitch etc. He becames more cruel every single time and quite violet too. I really dind't know him I guess. But I don't care anymore. He's dead for me. I'll take some time for my grief and then I'll try to forget and start living again. Without any man...
Excuses
Ok, I'm really out. Enough. I wanted to book the tickets for our holiday in Portugal. I knew he was upset cos had not enough money to go there and I know he misses his family so when I got extra money I told him that I'll buy the tickets. I thought he'll be happy about that and it was all I wanted. Yesterday I asked him to choose the dates. Istead of that he started with excuses: that he can't go for too long (ok, I understand), that he needs to see his family and friends and doesn't have a car there so he can't take us with him (don't they have buses and trains there?) and will have to leave us at home with his godmother and he's sure I'll be upset about that (of course I will!), that Patryk won't behave (for sure he won't), that I will complain that it's too hot (maybe..), thet we won't go to the beach cos we don't have a transport for all of us (so there's no point to go) etc. It seems that he just doesn't want us to go. Maybe just me and Luana would be ok, but with Patryk it's too many of us. I won't go without Patryk cos he is a part of me, the same like Luana. How would I feel if I'll go on holiday without him? He'll think that I don't love him. Fuck!!! What's wrong with that guy?! I told him that he can go alone cos the truth is that I'm not gonna spend so much money to stay inside the flat all the time while on holiday. And I'm not gonna argue all the time cos I can do that at home for free. He said that he won't go alone but at the same time he behaves like he doesn't want us to go with him. I think that he would like to go alone but he's aware that I'll be upset and it won't look nice for his family. The problem is that actually I have to go to make Luana's ID so I decided to go just for those few days and while waiting for the document I'll stay in the hotel. Done. I won't beg him to take us. I just feel like someone smacked my face. One again I tried to make him happy but again it didn't work. And it was the last time. No more. From now we just live together, if he wants to stay of course. Like I wrote few days ago - I don't care what will happen. I love him stiIl but not that blindly like before. I don't care that much like before too. He really turns me off. All I feel now is disappointment and don't know if he can do anything to change that. For sure it's not a relationship of my dreams and he's not a man of my dreams too...
Out of sight, out of mind
Yeah, we had another argument on Thursady:/ I took all my stuff from his PC and told him to delete my account. Now he can do whatever he wants and I won't see that. People say "out of sight, out of mind" and maybe it's true? Anyway, he thinks that it sorts the problems out but he's wrong. I can't do nothing. His choice. And I won't change my thinking about him. He let me down several times and now it's very difficult to rebuild my trust for him. Anyway he doesn't try enough I guess.
He said many really cruel words to me and I'll never forget that. I even don't wanna write them here, just don't wanna think about it too much. He just has no idea what he said and actually maybe he didn't mean that. But he said them and he hurt me deeply, special with comments about my husband and that he was right to treat me like he did. He really has no idea what I went through so shouldn't give such a stupid comments about that. He keeps disapointing me all the time and it's really sad..
I feel that I'm ready to leave and I know there won't be any way back. It will be permanent decision, that's why I must be really sure of that. Of course I love him so I'll leave only if I'll feel that I can't share my life with him anymore and have no hope for us. I know he loves me too cos I can see that he suffers when we're arguing. If we love each other so much, why can't just stop with this silly behaviour and start living in peace?!
He said many really cruel words to me and I'll never forget that. I even don't wanna write them here, just don't wanna think about it too much. He just has no idea what he said and actually maybe he didn't mean that. But he said them and he hurt me deeply, special with comments about my husband and that he was right to treat me like he did. He really has no idea what I went through so shouldn't give such a stupid comments about that. He keeps disapointing me all the time and it's really sad..
I feel that I'm ready to leave and I know there won't be any way back. It will be permanent decision, that's why I must be really sure of that. Of course I love him so I'll leave only if I'll feel that I can't share my life with him anymore and have no hope for us. I know he loves me too cos I can see that he suffers when we're arguing. If we love each other so much, why can't just stop with this silly behaviour and start living in peace?!
I knew it!
Yeah, he is upset cos of my internet contacts. He told me that our relationship won't work like that cos he knows many cases that people split up cos of the internet. That's funny cos it was me who kept saying that to him when he was chatting on MSN or sending messages to women from his websites! He use to say that I'm sick of jealousy. Now he's telling me that it's dangerous for the relationship? Does it mean that it's ok when he does that but it isn't when I do? I'm aware it can break the relationship cos talking on the internet you don't see the person how he/she really is, it's just imagination. It's easy to became fascinated with the person who seems to be ideal, is always nice, always in good mood, always saying nice things to you, listening to you and understanding you. He told me that he's situation is different cos he has those contacts from a long time and made them before he met me. I know he's lying cos I've seen some new and few days ago I've seen another pictures of a girl on his PC and he haven't had them before so it means that he had a chat with her recently and asked her to send him some pictures of her! I can understand chatting, but real chatting, without dirty things, but I don't get what for he collects those pictures. If he needs to talk with someone what for he needs the pictures as well? What is he looking for?! And he's telling me to stop cos it can break our relationship? Sorry, but something is not right here!
The other thing is that he asked me to delete my pictures from my profile on friendship website. Doesn't he have his on his websites??? It really seems that he can do whatever he likes and if I don't like it he says that I'm sick of jealousy but at the same time when I do only half of what he's doing he says I'm not fair with him...?!
To be honest I really don't find any interest in other men and I chat with them just to kill the time. And yeah... To get some attention too. To hear some complements eather. I'm a woman, I need that sometimes and if I don't get it from my own man cos he preffers to say complements to other women instead of saying them to me, I go somewhere else to build my self-confidence which I'm loosing every single time I see more pictures on his PC, more comments to the other girls pictures etc. It's very sad...
He said that if I have my own laptop now and don't need his PC, he wants me to take everything what is mine from there so he can delete my profile. It means that he doesn't let me to touch his PC, he has a password and I won't be able to check him. He thinks that if I won't see what he's doing, everything will be fine. He's wrong cos I already know what to expect...
The other thing is that he asked me to delete my pictures from my profile on friendship website. Doesn't he have his on his websites??? It really seems that he can do whatever he likes and if I don't like it he says that I'm sick of jealousy but at the same time when I do only half of what he's doing he says I'm not fair with him...?!
To be honest I really don't find any interest in other men and I chat with them just to kill the time. And yeah... To get some attention too. To hear some complements eather. I'm a woman, I need that sometimes and if I don't get it from my own man cos he preffers to say complements to other women instead of saying them to me, I go somewhere else to build my self-confidence which I'm loosing every single time I see more pictures on his PC, more comments to the other girls pictures etc. It's very sad...
He said that if I have my own laptop now and don't need his PC, he wants me to take everything what is mine from there so he can delete my profile. It means that he doesn't let me to touch his PC, he has a password and I won't be able to check him. He thinks that if I won't see what he's doing, everything will be fine. He's wrong cos I already know what to expect...
Don't do nothing what you don't want to be done to you
I've installed MSN and yesterday I spoke to one guy on it. I think Roy didn't like it cos he was quite upset and when I tried to cuddle him at night he didn't say to leave him but I could feel that something is wrong. Today morning I woke up to make his breakfast and he didn't speak to me at all. Strange... Then I thought that it's because of yesterday. Maybe I'm wrong but it looks like. If it's that I don't understand where is a problem with talking on MSN with other men? It was him who use to do that all the time! Now when it's my turn it seems he doesn't like it. Hmmm... And I had just normal chat, without any dirty things. He was busy with his iPhone so I felt a little bit bored. Of course if I'll ask him if he is upset cos of that he'll say that he doesn't care. He has nothing to worry about cos I'm not gonna do what he use to do chatting with girls. I don't ask every man for pictures like he use to do!
So good so far, but I'm worried about him
It's really good between us, not perfect but nothing is perfect, is it? He gives me more attention and it make me feeling comfortable. Sex is amazing but it's not he most important thing. He just seems to care more and it's really nice feeling.
He takes his pills and I thought that they help him a little bit but I was wrong. He was fine when he was the whole week at home, but just first day he returned to work he started behaving like before. He is sad and it's so easy to irritate him. I'm really worried and think all the time how can I help him. I told him he should go back to college and I'll help him but he said he needs a clear mind to study. Yeah, he's right. But it upsets me cos it seems that there is nothing I can do. He should study to get a better job but he can't study cos he is stressed out by this one. I don't know how they can't see how good person he is, how good he works and that he is so smart! They should give him an opportunity to go higher in this company. So many people wet up and they are not too smart just cos they keep licking manager's asses and he can't do it. And I'm proud of him he doesn't do that! I'm so worried that he is so under pressure that it can finish bad. I don't wanna even imagine that. I can't look at him, so sad and depressed. What else can I do for him? I even don't know how to speak to him, I don't wanna make him even more upset. It's so unfair!!!
He takes his pills and I thought that they help him a little bit but I was wrong. He was fine when he was the whole week at home, but just first day he returned to work he started behaving like before. He is sad and it's so easy to irritate him. I'm really worried and think all the time how can I help him. I told him he should go back to college and I'll help him but he said he needs a clear mind to study. Yeah, he's right. But it upsets me cos it seems that there is nothing I can do. He should study to get a better job but he can't study cos he is stressed out by this one. I don't know how they can't see how good person he is, how good he works and that he is so smart! They should give him an opportunity to go higher in this company. So many people wet up and they are not too smart just cos they keep licking manager's asses and he can't do it. And I'm proud of him he doesn't do that! I'm so worried that he is so under pressure that it can finish bad. I don't wanna even imagine that. I can't look at him, so sad and depressed. What else can I do for him? I even don't know how to speak to him, I don't wanna make him even more upset. It's so unfair!!!
Just happy
It's really nice to write here something optimistic cos all I wrote so far wasn't too much. He really tries and seems to care more. I don't know what changed him, maybe he understood something or maybe he just has better days. I hope it's not temporary cos it's so nice and so good between us now. I don't wanna go back to that situation from few days ago anymore. Just hope everything will work now for good. I still have that silly fears that he'll leave me cos nothing good that happened to me has stayed for too long so far. I would love to keep this happiness for the rest of my life and won't do nothing to let him down. I really didn't expect that something so good can happeen to me and that I'm able to love someone so much. I even didn't want another man in my life. I was very close to say "no" for that feeling I started to have for him on the beginning. I even don't wanna think how big mistake I could make! I can't stop myself from looking at him all the time to check if he's real. But he is, and all mine:) I'm really crazy about him, am I? :)
Hopefull
Everything is fine so far. Yesterday we had sex three times and was really awsome. I love making love with him cos he really drives me mad! I still find myself quite shy with him, I don't know why... The true is that I don't like myself enough and all the time think that he sees how unperfect I am. It's silly, I know. But I want to be perfect for him so he can be proud of me. I want to give him all the best.
He seems to be fine now and is very nice to me. I hope that it isn't just temporary and he thought about us a little bit and saw his mistakes. I really would love to. I was thinking about us too and made the promises to myself. All I want is to keep this relationship and make it working. Of course I can't do everything on my own but hope he'll help me with that.
He seems to be fine now and is very nice to me. I hope that it isn't just temporary and he thought about us a little bit and saw his mistakes. I really would love to. I was thinking about us too and made the promises to myself. All I want is to keep this relationship and make it working. Of course I can't do everything on my own but hope he'll help me with that.
Happy end?
We had another argument last night and we went to bed upset. Today morning was the same. But shortly we started talking. The thing is that he is a little bit jealous (lol) that I go to the websites to chat and that I text one guy from work. I should be upset that he checked my mobile but... It's nice to know that he is a little bit jealous. I thought he isn't and I thought he just doesn't care. What's a relief! :))) By the way - how could he think that I fancy that guy from work? I just like him cos he's funny, that's all. I wouldn't change my Roy to no one else cos he is my dream man:) Even if he isn't perfect but I love him to bits and just hope that what happened last few days was just misunderstanding. I know he feels depressed and I think that it's cos of work. He really deserved better and hope he'll find something else soon. All I can do now is supporting him and it's what I will do. I see out future again and I feel so good!
Then we had great sex twice and was really really awsome! After that I gave him my gift and it seemed that he was happy about that:) Oh God, I love him so much!!!! :)
Then we had great sex twice and was really really awsome! After that I gave him my gift and it seemed that he was happy about that:) Oh God, I love him so much!!!! :)
Helpless
He didn't go to work again. He says that he's not feeling well but when I ask what's wrong he says that I don't understand him and for sure think that he's pretending. I really don't understand what's going on, I know he has some stomach problems but it doesn't look like that now. He is upset all the time and I really don't know why. I don't know how to help him cos he doesn't let me! I feel so helpless! Sometimes I hope it's just very bad dream and I'll wake up soon to see that everything is fine...
Things that make us happy
What I can say is that last three days were quite nice. Not perfect but at least we didn't argue. And sex was much better then lately, I mean always is good but last three days I really felt that he wants that. He gave me more attention and it was very nice:)
He didn't go to work so we've spent the whole day together. I really don't understand this guy - he is nice and we joke and lough, cuddle, kiss but after few minutes he changes, doesn't speak to me and become rude... It's quite ennoying.
What I can see is that he is upset when I buy something to our flat so I thought he is upset cos I don't ask him before I buy something, but no. When I ask if he likes it he says that I can chose by myself. It seems he doesn't care about that flat and it quite upsets me. I expect him to be more interested in our life and things that are around us. I just want to make our place looking nice. And I hope he likes what I'm doing:)
I've bought him something today and really hope he'll like it. I mean I'm sure he will but I'm just not sure if he'll be happy about that. But I want to show him how much I love him and care and I'm aware that buying things isn't the best way for that. It doesn't matter. I want him to have it:)
He didn't go to work so we've spent the whole day together. I really don't understand this guy - he is nice and we joke and lough, cuddle, kiss but after few minutes he changes, doesn't speak to me and become rude... It's quite ennoying.
What I can see is that he is upset when I buy something to our flat so I thought he is upset cos I don't ask him before I buy something, but no. When I ask if he likes it he says that I can chose by myself. It seems he doesn't care about that flat and it quite upsets me. I expect him to be more interested in our life and things that are around us. I just want to make our place looking nice. And I hope he likes what I'm doing:)
I've bought him something today and really hope he'll like it. I mean I'm sure he will but I'm just not sure if he'll be happy about that. But I want to show him how much I love him and care and I'm aware that buying things isn't the best way for that. It doesn't matter. I want him to have it:)
Small, shy light in the tunnel
I haven't written last two days cos we were sorting our situation out. On Saturday I was ready to say "I'm sorry" but actually I don't know what for. I don't think I did something wrong. I don't know why I felt guilty about that situation. Of course it was hartbreaking seeing him so upset but... It was him who wasn't fair! I'm not saying that he's been with other woman but vanishing and leaving me for all days is not fair either. I don't want him to hold my hand the whole day but I expect more attention. It's not that much, is it?
We had a chat on Saturday and everything is slowly backing to normal. It seems so. I don't know if he learnt something but I hope so. I just promised myself, not him - myself, that I will trust him. I'm a little bit jealous but I became like that cos he gave me the reasons. He can say it's not true, but he really did. And it's not true that I suspect him whenever he's not with me. I don't think like that. I'm just upset with things that I've seen, not with things that I can only emagine. I'm upset with facts. I decided to stop checking him and trust him in 100% cos I know that behaving like that I push him away and it just goes to the end of this relationship. I don't want it. So I'll trust him and hope he won't let me down. If he will it means that he's not worth to cry after him
He seems to be upset with me when I go to the websites to chat with people. To be honest I went there just to show him how I feel when he does that. It seems that he did't read that message that I've tried to send him. He says that it's not fair but actually I do nothing wrong. Yeah, the fact is that only men are intrested in me there, but I was honest and wrote in my profile that I have kids and boyfriend and only looking for friendship. I found there some nice guys but I don't have any dirty conversations with them. All of them are very nice and say very nice things to me but to be honest I'm not that impressred cos I'd love to hear that from my own boyfriend instead of strange guys. I'm sick, I know. Or maybe just in love? For the first time in my life I don't find an interest in the other men. The only one I care about is Roy, he is the only one I want to be with and he is the only one that can make me happy. If he just want to...
I'll really do everything to save this relationship. To make him happy. To make myself happy. To make our kids happy. It's all I want...
I miss him!
That's strange. I hate him for what he's done to me and at the same time I just can't imagine that he's gone from my life. I miss him already! I was thinking about us last night. The most annoying thing is that he has nothing to reproach for himself. He blames me for what's happening but don't I have the reasons to feel and behave like that? I'm not sick, he can have friend - girls, but there is something wrong with his obsessive interest in women. He says that it's not true but I've seen enough. And I was very understanding. Very. Which woman would agree for her boyfriend to call the other women "baby" etc. Which one would agree him to watch the other women taking their clothes off? Which one would agree him to adore them, to say complements that he's never said to her? It's not fair that he even doesn't have a time to text me while he has a break at work, just to ask if I'm ok or just to say "hi", just to let me know that he thinks about me, that he cares. At the same time he always have a time to text others "Hi babe. How r u? R u having a nice day? Bla, bla, bla..." And he's surprised that I' upset... It's really not fair!
I would do everything for him. I care about him really much. He doesn't have to worry about nothing at home and I really don't mind to do everything by myself. I would be happy just to know that I'm making him happy - that's all I wanted. To make him happy, to make him feel that he found someone for the rest of his life, that he doesn't have to worry about anything cos I'm here for him always, always will support him. But he just doesn't appreciate that. I'm not saying that I'm perfect buy at least I try. I know he misses his family and I wanted to give him one on his own to make him feel like at home. I know we can't be instead of his mother and godmother but I thought he'll be more happy here having us. It seems that I was wrong. I don't know anymore what can I do for him. I don't know what is he looking for still if he says that he loves me. Sometimes I think that he is with me cos he feels comfortable knowing that he has a place to come back and everything is waiting for him but I'm not good enough for him, I'm not enough pretty, enough smart, enough funny, enough sexy. That's why he behaves like that cos he finds in other women what I can't give him. It hurts badly... It really hurts!
In my dreams I see him coming back home, kissing me and saying "It's so good to be at home. I missed you", looking at Luana and saying "I'm so happy that she's here even if I wasn't ready to have kids, I can't imagine myself that she's not here", "I'm happy to have you all", "thank you that you care about me so much". Silly things that would make me feel sure that he wants to be with us and he's happy here. I wouldn't be so worried like now. Cos how can I think that everything is fine and I have no reasons to suspect him when he comes back home, says "hi" and goes to the PC straight away to check e-mails, messages, comments etc. Then he plays or sleeps, eats dinner, takes a shower and goes to bed. I really don't mind him playing but I expect him to spend more time with us, with me. We even don't talk anymore just like that, about everything and about nothing. We don't stay in the bed after we wake up just to talk and cuddle. Even sex is not the same anymore. Sometimes I feel like he's doing that just cos he thinks he has to and wants to finish quickly. No kissing and cuddling before and after, just sex without meaning and then he sleeps straight away. It makes me feeling awful and I think he doesn't fancy me anymore. Of course he would be upset if I told him how I feel but I really feel like that. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy sex with him anymore cos I really do, I really, really do. Even if I feel like he doesn't give me enough attention, I still love it cos it makes me feeling happy and at least I can be so close to him. I love every single part of his body and he really drives me mad! The funniest thing is that I'm getting addicted to him and to sex with him. If I think about sex it's always and only with him. If just everything would make me so happy about him... Sex is not enough to make relationship working, suddenly...
In spite of all that I still love him to bits... And I want him to love me too... I think that the biggest problem here is that we don't talk so we don't know what the other thinks and feels, what we do wrong, what can we do to make our relationship better. If I try, he becomes upset that I'm afflicting him all the time. The problem is that we don't say "I love you" enough often too. I would love to hear that sometimes from him, not only as a replay.
I would do everything for him. I care about him really much. He doesn't have to worry about nothing at home and I really don't mind to do everything by myself. I would be happy just to know that I'm making him happy - that's all I wanted. To make him happy, to make him feel that he found someone for the rest of his life, that he doesn't have to worry about anything cos I'm here for him always, always will support him. But he just doesn't appreciate that. I'm not saying that I'm perfect buy at least I try. I know he misses his family and I wanted to give him one on his own to make him feel like at home. I know we can't be instead of his mother and godmother but I thought he'll be more happy here having us. It seems that I was wrong. I don't know anymore what can I do for him. I don't know what is he looking for still if he says that he loves me. Sometimes I think that he is with me cos he feels comfortable knowing that he has a place to come back and everything is waiting for him but I'm not good enough for him, I'm not enough pretty, enough smart, enough funny, enough sexy. That's why he behaves like that cos he finds in other women what I can't give him. It hurts badly... It really hurts!
In my dreams I see him coming back home, kissing me and saying "It's so good to be at home. I missed you", looking at Luana and saying "I'm so happy that she's here even if I wasn't ready to have kids, I can't imagine myself that she's not here", "I'm happy to have you all", "thank you that you care about me so much". Silly things that would make me feel sure that he wants to be with us and he's happy here. I wouldn't be so worried like now. Cos how can I think that everything is fine and I have no reasons to suspect him when he comes back home, says "hi" and goes to the PC straight away to check e-mails, messages, comments etc. Then he plays or sleeps, eats dinner, takes a shower and goes to bed. I really don't mind him playing but I expect him to spend more time with us, with me. We even don't talk anymore just like that, about everything and about nothing. We don't stay in the bed after we wake up just to talk and cuddle. Even sex is not the same anymore. Sometimes I feel like he's doing that just cos he thinks he has to and wants to finish quickly. No kissing and cuddling before and after, just sex without meaning and then he sleeps straight away. It makes me feeling awful and I think he doesn't fancy me anymore. Of course he would be upset if I told him how I feel but I really feel like that. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy sex with him anymore cos I really do, I really, really do. Even if I feel like he doesn't give me enough attention, I still love it cos it makes me feeling happy and at least I can be so close to him. I love every single part of his body and he really drives me mad! The funniest thing is that I'm getting addicted to him and to sex with him. If I think about sex it's always and only with him. If just everything would make me so happy about him... Sex is not enough to make relationship working, suddenly...
In spite of all that I still love him to bits... And I want him to love me too... I think that the biggest problem here is that we don't talk so we don't know what the other thinks and feels, what we do wrong, what can we do to make our relationship better. If I try, he becomes upset that I'm afflicting him all the time. The problem is that we don't say "I love you" enough often too. I would love to hear that sometimes from him, not only as a replay.
The biggest argument ever
He went with Patrick to watch the game at my brother's. He came back, after few minutes took his mobile and went out. Came back after half an hour. I told him that he doesn't have to go out if he wants to make a call cos I don't mind. He got angry and broke the mobile saying that now no one will call him. Very nice! I bought him that mobile for his birthday a month ago! No respect for nothing... He keeps playing with my feelings and is surprised with my reaction...?
I wanted to speak to him after that but he didn't want to. Just said: "u win". I win? I said that he is the winner but to be honest I think that both of us lost. It supposed to be the perfect relationship and suddenly finished so bad. Both of us feel aching and think his feelings were hurt. Both of us are right I think. I should trust him more, he shouldn't give me the reasons. I think that I should have finished this relationship after the story with that woman who had dirty chat with him. I knew it will be very difficult for me to trust him after that but I took a risk. I shouldn't have to. It was very possible that if he did that after short time of being with me (and people on the beginning are fascinated with each other that usually don't even think about others) he'll be doing that again and again, and more often cos he'll becoming bored of me with the time. He destroyed my trust for him on the very first start so I find it very difficult to trust him again. Especially that every time I feel that something is wrong and I check, I find out I was right cos every time I find something that he shouldn't do being in the relationship.
I don't understand how come one person can be so different? From one side he is so sensitive and it's very easy to hurt him, he's very smart and sweet, sometimes helpless like a child, from the other side he's some kind of pervert that likes to watch porn, have dirty chats with women and take pictures of his dick or other parts of his body that he knows women will like. Strange guy, really.
The worst thing is that Patrick was a witness of all that. I know he was scared. He was throwing up and I saw it again: my husband, me and Patrick - so scared, so helpless, so innocent. What are we doing to him? How can I let him go through this again? I feel awful, I'm bad mother:(
Now everybody's sleeping. My emotions calmed down. I would like to wake up tomorrow and find all that as a very bad dream.
I told him I'm going back home. I feel sick thinking about being so far from him but I know it's the best I can do for all of us.
I wanted to speak to him after that but he didn't want to. Just said: "u win". I win? I said that he is the winner but to be honest I think that both of us lost. It supposed to be the perfect relationship and suddenly finished so bad. Both of us feel aching and think his feelings were hurt. Both of us are right I think. I should trust him more, he shouldn't give me the reasons. I think that I should have finished this relationship after the story with that woman who had dirty chat with him. I knew it will be very difficult for me to trust him after that but I took a risk. I shouldn't have to. It was very possible that if he did that after short time of being with me (and people on the beginning are fascinated with each other that usually don't even think about others) he'll be doing that again and again, and more often cos he'll becoming bored of me with the time. He destroyed my trust for him on the very first start so I find it very difficult to trust him again. Especially that every time I feel that something is wrong and I check, I find out I was right cos every time I find something that he shouldn't do being in the relationship.
I don't understand how come one person can be so different? From one side he is so sensitive and it's very easy to hurt him, he's very smart and sweet, sometimes helpless like a child, from the other side he's some kind of pervert that likes to watch porn, have dirty chats with women and take pictures of his dick or other parts of his body that he knows women will like. Strange guy, really.
The worst thing is that Patrick was a witness of all that. I know he was scared. He was throwing up and I saw it again: my husband, me and Patrick - so scared, so helpless, so innocent. What are we doing to him? How can I let him go through this again? I feel awful, I'm bad mother:(
Now everybody's sleeping. My emotions calmed down. I would like to wake up tomorrow and find all that as a very bad dream.
I told him I'm going back home. I feel sick thinking about being so far from him but I know it's the best I can do for all of us.
Disappointed
He came back yesterday at 10.40 pm. No sorry, no nothing... He is the most ungrateful man I've ever known. I don't know where he's been and I don't want to know. Of course, he says that wherever he is without me I suspect him straight away. Yeah, but it's quite strange that I found the messages from the strange girl in his mobile, saying that she can't wait to visit him, and after few days he starts to disappear. First he came back so late after the game on Saturday, then he came back late from work on Monday, yesterday he came back from work at night. Does he think that I'm blind? Or stupid? I'm tired of his games and packs of lies. He says that I don't trust him but he didn't deserve for that.
I would like to say that I don't love him anymore so things would be easier. But if I said that it would be a big lie. I do love him like mad! But I won't let him hurt me, he already did enough. When I met him I though he's perfect guy, with big heart. I didn't want to be with a man, I wasn't looking for love. But it came and I gave up cos I thought that it's impossible that the same story will happen twice. Now it seems that it's possible cos it's already happening. Maybe I just didn't deserve to be happy and loved...
I know I have to think about the kids first. I can't be selfish and think only about my own happiness. I don't want Patryk to go through the same situation again, I don't want to see him scared when we're arguing. I'm so upset that I push him away and I'm aware of that. He comes to me and asks me if I'm okay cos he's worried about me. And I just want him to go and leave me alone... Thankfully Luana is too small to understand what's happening. But she'll grow up. I would like to save her from growing up in this kind of family. If we can call this "family". We are more like people that just live together.
I can't even cry anymore. Something has been dying inside of me from a long time and yesterday died lastly.
I would like to say that I don't love him anymore so things would be easier. But if I said that it would be a big lie. I do love him like mad! But I won't let him hurt me, he already did enough. When I met him I though he's perfect guy, with big heart. I didn't want to be with a man, I wasn't looking for love. But it came and I gave up cos I thought that it's impossible that the same story will happen twice. Now it seems that it's possible cos it's already happening. Maybe I just didn't deserve to be happy and loved...
I know I have to think about the kids first. I can't be selfish and think only about my own happiness. I don't want Patryk to go through the same situation again, I don't want to see him scared when we're arguing. I'm so upset that I push him away and I'm aware of that. He comes to me and asks me if I'm okay cos he's worried about me. And I just want him to go and leave me alone... Thankfully Luana is too small to understand what's happening. But she'll grow up. I would like to save her from growing up in this kind of family. If we can call this "family". We are more like people that just live together.
I can't even cry anymore. Something has been dying inside of me from a long time and yesterday died lastly.
No hope...
He left home at 5 am. After work he went somewhere to wait for the game. Ok, I can understand that it had no sense to come back home and then go there again. But the game have finished two and a half hours ago and he's still not here. He texted me 2 hours ago that he'll be soon. I called him few minutes ago and he's still there! He even won't see his daughter awake today:( And Patrick keeps asking me what time Roy will be at home. What should I say? I even don't know if he'll come back... I don't know if I want him to come back...
I feel empty inside. I have no hope for this relationship anymore. I'm still in but I can't explain why. Love can't be an answer for everything. You can love but at the same time you have to respect yourself.
I feel sick again and can't eat. Where is this whole situation taking me?
I feel empty inside. I have no hope for this relationship anymore. I'm still in but I can't explain why. Love can't be an answer for everything. You can love but at the same time you have to respect yourself.
I feel sick again and can't eat. Where is this whole situation taking me?
