Disappointed
He came back yesterday at 10.40 pm. No sorry, no nothing... He is the most ungrateful man I've ever known. I don't know where he's been and I don't want to know. Of course, he says that wherever he is without me I suspect him straight away. Yeah, but it's quite strange that I found the messages from the strange girl in his mobile, saying that she can't wait to visit him, and after few days he starts to disappear. First he came back so late after the game on Saturday, then he came back late from work on Monday, yesterday he came back from work at night. Does he think that I'm blind? Or stupid? I'm tired of his games and packs of lies. He says that I don't trust him but he didn't deserve for that.
I would like to say that I don't love him anymore so things would be easier. But if I said that it would be a big lie. I do love him like mad! But I won't let him hurt me, he already did enough. When I met him I though he's perfect guy, with big heart. I didn't want to be with a man, I wasn't looking for love. But it came and I gave up cos I thought that it's impossible that the same story will happen twice. Now it seems that it's possible cos it's already happening. Maybe I just didn't deserve to be happy and loved...
I know I have to think about the kids first. I can't be selfish and think only about my own happiness. I don't want Patryk to go through the same situation again, I don't want to see him scared when we're arguing. I'm so upset that I push him away and I'm aware of that. He comes to me and asks me if I'm okay cos he's worried about me. And I just want him to go and leave me alone... Thankfully Luana is too small to understand what's happening. But she'll grow up. I would like to save her from growing up in this kind of family. If we can call this "family". We are more like people that just live together.
I can't even cry anymore. Something has been dying inside of me from a long time and yesterday died lastly.
I would like to say that I don't love him anymore so things would be easier. But if I said that it would be a big lie. I do love him like mad! But I won't let him hurt me, he already did enough. When I met him I though he's perfect guy, with big heart. I didn't want to be with a man, I wasn't looking for love. But it came and I gave up cos I thought that it's impossible that the same story will happen twice. Now it seems that it's possible cos it's already happening. Maybe I just didn't deserve to be happy and loved...
I know I have to think about the kids first. I can't be selfish and think only about my own happiness. I don't want Patryk to go through the same situation again, I don't want to see him scared when we're arguing. I'm so upset that I push him away and I'm aware of that. He comes to me and asks me if I'm okay cos he's worried about me. And I just want him to go and leave me alone... Thankfully Luana is too small to understand what's happening. But she'll grow up. I would like to save her from growing up in this kind of family. If we can call this "family". We are more like people that just live together.
I can't even cry anymore. Something has been dying inside of me from a long time and yesterday died lastly.
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